i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
