were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have fence marks all over my body
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
