I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My feet surprised me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
