I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
