My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
