Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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