my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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