Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
