It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
