Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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