Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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