He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
