your parents love me but you hate me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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