then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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