I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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