When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
one might say we're banned from that church
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
