...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
