Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
