it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
