For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
