Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
