anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my shit smells like andre
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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