the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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