I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i think my cat just said my name.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
