i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Randomize
