Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
