the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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