Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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