ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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