So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
