I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
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Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
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