i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
