So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
