Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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