there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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