I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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