Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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