3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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