you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
