no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
