I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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