Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
