I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
