No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
