My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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