I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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