she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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