Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
