Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
