So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
