You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
