Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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