Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
