saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
