Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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